Thursday, June 01, 2006

Pema Chodron on Tonglen


[image source]

Doing tonglen throughout the day can feel more natural than doing it on the cushion. For one thing, there is never any lack of subject matter. Daily-life practice is never abstract. As soon as uncomfortable emotions come up, we train ourselves in breathing them in and dropping the story line. At the same time, we extend our thoughts and concern to other people who feel the same discomfort, and we breathe in with the wish that all of us could be free of this particular brand of confusion. Then, as we breathe out, we send ourselves and others whatever kind of relief we think would help. We also practice like this when we encounter animals and people who are in pain. We can try to do this whenever difficult situations and feelings arise. Over time it will become more automatic.

It is also helpful to notice anything in our daily life that brings us happiness. As soon as we become aware of it, we can think of sending it out to others, further cultivating the tonglen attitude.

As warrior-bodhisattvas, the more we train in cultivating this attitude, the more we uncover our capacity for joy and equanimity. Because of our bravery and willingness to work with the practice, we are more able to experience the basic goodness of ourselves and others. We're more able to appreciate the potential of all kinds of people: those we find pleasant, those we find unpleasant, and those we don't even know. Thus tonglen begins to ventilate our prejudices and introduce us to a more tender and open-minded world.

~ Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty
I've been thinking about how to do this more often. I think I posted a while back about using tonglen during conflict to diffuse the situation, but I haven't had much luck with it. On the other hand, I haven't had much conflict to practice with in daily life as of late.

There's one place, though, where I need something to soften me, and that's when I'm driving. I swear more than a drunken sailor when someone gets in front of me and drives slow. Tucson doesn't have freeways, so the main streets are marked with signs that say, "Slower Traffic Keep Right." I am amazed that so few people know how to read.

So this is how it plays out: someone will be in the "fast" lane and won't get out of the way. So I'm yelling, "Get the hell out of the way, you stupid @#%$^&! *^&$%^#@." And then I immediately feel guilty for raging at some poor (usually old) person, and before the last syllable of my cursing has left the air, I say, "May your heart be eased of suffering." As if that's going to make it better.

The really silly part, as if any of that isn't already incredibly silly, is that when I say the prayer for the end of their suffering, I mean it, and I really feel it.

And, I'm not angry like that in any other part of my life.

So I am going to try to employ tonglen for my own rage (i.e., suffering) when I am driving and see if I can mellow the "Mad Max" that lives in me. I waste an enormous amount of energy being angry when I am driving. Somehow I need to develop an ability to simply accept that most people are not as impatient as I am.

I suspect there is something deeper in this, as well. I talked about it in therapy a couple of times, but we never really got to any kind of insight. Maybe by giving it attention I can get to the heart of it.


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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

The New York version of that situation is the self-centered, overweight person who struggles sedately, wide-as-the-whole-universe, down the middle of the staircase (rather than off to one side or the other, so one could squeeze by) as the train is pulling into the station. In my first years here, in the midst of surging anger, I used to have a momentary, unspeakably evil impulse to simply shove them down the stairs (I'd never do it though!); so I began what I call my "patience practice." Patience practice is: as soon as I'm blocked in the midst of rushing, I immediately must slow down completely, breath deeply and slowly, and repeat "I'll get there when I get there" just as if I've all the time in the world (never mind if I'm already 15 minutes late.) I've been practicing that almost 10 years now and I am a little better--no more homocidal impluses at least!

Kai in NYC

Mike said...

I think it's a gradual process. And understanding that, in itself, requires and develops patience. You're able to extend compassion to that son of a ... er, I mean that driver :) in front of you before you complete the curse, which is progress. Most people think of it after the fact. Now the process becomes, how do I get the seed of compassion to manifest 10 seconds earlier. Then 10 seconds earlier than that. Eventually, driving behind that guy results in the seed of compassion manifesting instantly, in place of the anger.

Another idea, what about actually practicing a compassionate response in meditation? Close your eyes, see yourself in the first person driving up on a slow-as-molasses driver in the left lane, and immediately extend compassion. Open your eyes and blank your mind. Rinse and repeat. It's like the old NLP Swish technique of reprogramming a response.

Anonymous said...

what is also interesting beyond the practice of calming anger is how little it achieves and how much damage it can do, to you. lets assume that the person heard you and got out of the way. going across toen ten miles over the speed limit would only gain you ten seconds at the most. driving, the subway thing is another story. But think about the anger and how it harms you. stress pains, etc. for me the problem that I have with anger is against those that I love. The worst is when they do something that just makes you want to rip their face off. Much harder for me to let go of and forgive both them and myself for getting anger.

Erica

william harryman said...

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I think Mike spurred an idea that might help -- I think I'm going to spend some time recreating the scene in meditation and try to dig into what is really going on in me. I suspect a subpersonality is getting activated, so if I can find out what it needs, maybe I can help it relax a little bit.

When I'm actually in the car, I can try Kai's patience practice, something I really need to be doing anyway. Patience is one of my weak areas.

And I agree with you Erica, anger is a destructive force, especially when aimed at friends or family. Have you tried taking a "time out" when you feel that "ripping their face off" feeling come up? It might help to step away for a few minutes.

Peace,
Bill